SCRIPT TO SCREEN - DRAFT BEFORE THE DRAFT SCREENPLAY 'Y4'

Before a draft screenplay is submitted I like have a pre-draft printed and write notes on the page so I am going through page by page of what I need to add, take away or correct.

PAGE 1:

• Scene heading incorrect, it should be 'INT. HOSPITAL DAY ROOM. LATE AFTERNOON'.
• When introducing Annie, State her age, what she is wearing to it is evident that she is a cancer patient, I am think also that I may put that it a Macmillan day room, yet I want to use more visuals then obvious statements but that is yet to be decided.
• I needed a reason for Annie to want to talk to Josh, as Simon said on our pitch day, older people don't just talk to younger people for no reason, so I am changing it so that when Josh throws his phone it will hit Annie's foot, this will start up the conversation.
• Some upper case words need to be changed in lower case and there are some spelling era's.

PAGE 2:

• I decided that I need to make it more evident that Annie struggles to move as easy as is stated, so I am going to add in some action that when she gets up she finds it a challenge but still has determination.
• Upper case needs to be changed to lower case.
• Some dialogue needs to be shortened and the slang needs to be tightened, in one piece of dialogue it says 'By Joe I think has got it', it doesn't fit with the character it should be 'By Joe I think he's got it'.

PAGE 3: Capital letters need to be changed to lower case and maybe 'trance' needs to be capitalised.

PAGE 4:

• The language in the dialogue for Annie need's to be corrected 'Them' needs to change to 'em'.
• Upper case changes need to change to Lower case.
• 'Picture' needs to change to 'photo' to match the pattern throughout the script.
• Take out the Granddaughter part as the camera can't see the picture of the granddaughter till the end of the screenplay.

PAGE 5:

• Language in the dialogue.
• I decided after speaking with Simon that I am going to cut some of Annie's dialogue as she sounds like she is preaching to Josh, so I am revising this piece of dialogue but without losing the essence of the meaning behind why she is telling Josh what she is telling him, I don't want to audience to get bored, I want them to make there own mind up to the message within the dialogue.

PAGES 6,7,8,9 AND 10.

All these pages have similar problems as the other pages, language and grammar.

I am going to re-write the draft to correct these issues, I feel like I understand the storey myself but I need to make sure that the audience can also see my vision through my writing.

Because of the nature of the conversation between Annie and Josh I have also decided to change the character age of Josh from 10 to 13 years old, I think that a 13 year old would connect better with the type of message that Annie is trying to get across.

END