SCRIPT TO SCREEN - PRE-PRODUCTION PREP FOR DEADLINE.

Script feedback 11/11/18 from Steve Coombes.

Story & structure.

A good title and potentially a good story. But it needs a bit more "storytelling" or "story-showing".

The premise is strong and the ending is good. But ATM it feels more like a play than a screenplay. There's too much continuous time and not enough use of the camera to move things on.

More importantly, the visuals are there. But they need to be punched up and brought into focus to truly reveal their significance to your characters and to your audience.

Finally, you need to do a bit more work on the ending. I'd be tempted to show that Annie has died. And I'd be tempted to show Josh's mum and let us see her medical situation and emotional turmoil.

Action & Dialogue.

I like the way you want your action to focus on small things-little events and occurrences that are going to turn out to have huge significance and importance.

But you don't quite pull it off yet. These small things need to be realized more precisely and more dramatically, using the power of "cuts" to surprise and move us.

Similarly, I like Annie's Dialogue. She has her own voice and character. But I think Josh is a bit of a ragbag at the moment. A sort of generic 13 year old who doesn't quite coalesce into real boy with real confusions and conflicts.

Formatting & Layout.

The punctuation and spelling are a bit random, Things like a question mark followed by a full stop, for example. So use a spell check next time.

The layout and format and pretty good. But you need more scenes and you need to work on the layout of montages to jump cut time passing.

                                                                                                                                                                 

My Thoughts on script feedback.

I am going to add in more transitions throughout the screenplay to pump up my visual moments.

I don't want to show that Annie is dead because I have had another thought for the ending of my film.

After the day of feedback I realised there were more issues that I had to take into considerations.

Issues:

• My location is in LR1 at Maidstone Studio's and I am only allowed to use the room until 5:30pm as external guest cant stay after that without a member of staff in the building.
• My youngest actor is 13 years old and I can not take him out of school so the earliest he can start is 4pm, this only gives me 1hr 30mins, on both days so that is going to be 3hrs all together this is not going to be possible

I have had to re-think my options to enable me to get a nice amount of time shooting my film, so I come up with some solution's.

• I will get an actor who looks young but is over 18.
• I need to book the room for longer with Laura.

The only person I could think of for my character who is over 18 and looks younger is my classmate Katie, this also means that I have to re-write a male role into a female role and change the age of my character from 13 to 16 years old, the plus side about having Katie as my actress is that she is also doubling up as crew, helping me with costumes, props and preparing the room on the day.

I have emailed Laura at the studio's to extend the time for the room booking.

I have also had thoughts about changing the plot of the story so I can create a twist, my mind has been spinning over the twist and I need to speck to a classmate to see if it makes sense, but until I write the twist I am not going to be able to see.

The reason I wanted to change the ending is because Steve said to surprise the audience so I want to have it so that Annie isn't really there, she is a sprite of a patient that used to be there and is sent to give a lesson to my young character who I am going to name "Daniella", I can work with the dialogue that I already have and use camera tricks at the end to execute it well.

Extract or trailer ?

I have decided that I am going to do an Trailer of the film.

I want to have the words on the scrabble board spell out "Time is precious" is slow close up shots of the spelling and in between have moments between my two characters and a clock ticking away until it stops.

I have to storyboard it and do a shot list, I have never done one before.

Casting process and issues

I used Starnow to put out my casting call.

https://www.starnow.co.uk/listing/970584/two-actors-required-short-student-film/

I had a lot of response from youngsters to play the part of Josh. 

 Auditions for Josh . However I am changing my screenplay to fit the time frame that I have at the location.

I  haven't had any response for my older character Annie, this has challenged me also to put the age down t.o 50+ on the casting and 58 on the script.

Confirmed cast.

Daniella - played by Katie.

Annie - TBC.

Nurse - TBC.

Granddaughter - TBC

Confirmed Location

The location is confirmed to use the LR1 at Maidstone studios however I came across dome issues with the times:

I have my location secure but I am awaiting confirmation on the times. 

Props

Magazines x10

Scrabble board.

Phone.

Photo of Annie and her Granddaughter* (has to be done on the day and put in during the edit)

Intravenous drip.

Posters and leaflets on cancers.

Stethoscope.

Clock.

Wine/wine glass.

Cigarettes.

Costume

Daniella - School Uniform

Annie - Pink fluffy slippers and dressing gown , head scarf. + A change of outfit for the photo with her Granddaughter.

Nurse - Nurse uniform any colour.

Granddaughter - 3 changes of clothes colourful, any style.

Makeup.

Annie - Dark under the eyes, pale face.

Daniella -School Uniform, Fake eyelashes* red lipstick* (*TBC with actress subject to skin tone).

Nurse - Minimal.

Granddaughter - No makeup.

Crew.

Alix Mottershead - Sound technician.

Carla Buckingham - Director and DOP.

Katie Cahalane - Props and set design.

Charlie Buckingham - Runner.

Kelsey Parker - Casting director and photographer.

Shot list/story board
As I am shooting the whole 10 mins, I am still unsure what I am going to submit, I haven't done a shot list before, I have attempted a storey board but will finalize it in the next day or two as I am still struggling to find my older actress.